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Parenting with Connie: It's just a loophole
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Anonymous user Tue Nov 30, 1999 00:00:00 PST
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0 responses 0 comments "It's just a loophole." That is what one of my students told me about the subject of oral sex. “It’s a way to not disobey your parents because they tell you not to have sex.” How about the college mantra, “be moral, go oral?” Students have told me that they get involved in oral sex to preserve their virginity because oral sex isn’t “real sex.” “Then what is it?” I ask my students. Usually one of the boys answers, "It’s just pleasuring each other,” as his pubescent voice cracks. I always reply, “Why don’t we ask her dad how he feels about his daughter 'pleasuring' some guy?” I think her dad would have an adverse reaction and strong opinion about the subject. My question again: If it isn’t sex, then what is it? The definition of sex is using your body to cause sexual pleasure in another. But, but –– it’s not “intercourse.” The definition of intercourse is a sexual union. Oral definitely constitutes a sexual union. The best qualifier ever given to me was a parent whose husband was a sheriff. She said that if oral sex is forced on someone, it is a crime –– a sexual crime. So in the eyes of the law it is sex. In class, we discuss reasons teens might get involved with oral sex. Popularity is the No. 1 answer. Second to that, they are bored and “there’s nothing better to do.” Peer pressure and curiosity are other reasons the students tell me that teens get involved with oral sex. One of the technical reasons is that no pregnancy can occur, which is true. Also, they don’t believe they can get any sexually transmitted diseases or infections. They always go back to the statement, “It's not real sex because she can’t get pregnant.” Let’s discuss what they can get. STI’s are sexually transmitted infections like syphilis chancre sores, herpes blisters and human papilloma virus, which are sexually-transmitted warts. The mouth and throat are very moist, dark places –– which is exactly where bacteria and viruses thrive. As far as the virginity issue, I always ask my students, “In 10 years when you meet the person you want to commit to and they tell you they are still a virgin, that they only had oral sex with every other boy/girlfriend since the 11th grade, are you going to consider that person a virgin?” They always say “No." Being a virgin is a condition of the mind as much as it is of the body. A student once asked me, “How can you get an STD from oral sex if you are just talking dirty over the phone?” How precious, I wish all junior highers and teens were that innocent. Oral sex has become a casual occurrence that some equate to French kissing. I will tell you it is the most difficult discussion that I have with teenagers and young adults. I always tell them when they get married, they can discuss oral sex with their spouse in a personal, private setting where it is nobody’s business. Before that, if they get involved with oral sex it can cause a lot of confusion, a bad reputation, sexually transmitted infections, and lower self-esteem by engaging in degrading behavior. Oral sex is not holding hands. We all know the definition. I use all those arguments to bring them to the logical conclusion that it is sex. I hope you have this discussion with your kids, because whether we like it or not, it’s out there. Don't let your kids fall through a “loophole” on this subject. E-mail Connie at cmoustakis@bak.rr.com.

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