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Parenting with Connie: The answer is "no"
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Anonymous user Tue Nov 30, 1999 00:00:00 PST
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0 responses 0 comments THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE: “NO.” How come a word that we don’t have to teach 2-year-olds to say is so hard for a parent to say? Emphatically, the answer is “No!” You may not go to The Marketplace and walk around at 10 at night. You may not wear that shirt to school, it is too low. You may not wear jeans that sag off your behind; get the staple gun! You may not dye your hair green, I don’t care if St. Patrick’s Day is your favorite holiday. Instead of saying no to their child, I’ve witnessed parents argue that their child has a right to wear whatever they want to school because they are expressing themselves. Give me a break! If you want your children to feel good about themselves, say no, and set some boundaries and standards for them. In doing so, they will feel loved and secure. Once when my daughter was in high school she asked to go to a party. I asked her the person’s first and last name. My daughter conveniently never knew a last name. That was one of my rules: first and last name, cell phone number, home phone and address (DNA) were required aspects of my daughter leaving the house. That way I could check up on things or track her down if I needed to. (And I often did both.) After I got the required information, I then asked her if there was going to be alcohol at the party, and she said yes. I said, “No, you are not permitted to go to a party where there will be alcohol.” She stomped to her room and slammed the door. She came out and informed me that she wanted to call her dad and ask him. At the time, he was working in a foreign country with a nine-hour time difference. She called her father and woke him up to ask him if she could go to the party with alcohol. He said no. So she went back to her room and slammed the door. She was in her room for a few minutes. She then came out and asked me if she could go to the party because she needed to be around that kind of stuff and learn not to be tempted. I laughed and told her that her desperate reasoning was good, but the answer was still no. When I said no, I always added, “Bring me something I can say yes to.” I’ve learned that when I said yes to things I was uncomfortable about, afterward I would be sick to my stomach for hours. I would rather have my teenager mope around the house for a few hours than worry about them for several hours. If you say no to your teenager, then they might in turn learn to say no to some of the things offered to them. Parents, it is okay to say no! What are you afraid of, that they are going to throw a fit or get mad at you? Get used to it. If you justify your bad decisions by thinking, “At least I know they are drinking in our house where they are safe,” then you are not setting guidelines of right and wrong for them. If you break the law/rules for them in your home then they will think the rules are not made for them. The will expect you to fight for their “rights” or bail them out because that is how you have raised them. My son once said something profound to my daughter. “You make friends by what you say yes to, I make friends by what I say no to.” Clearly, he understood the line. Make the line clear for your child. Define yourself by the things you say yes and the things you say no to. E-mail Connie at: cmoustakis@bak.rr.com

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