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Parenting with Connie: They need a parent, not more friends
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Anonymous user Tue Nov 30, 1999 00:00:00 PST
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0 responses 0 comments Sometimes I talk to moms who ask for advice and say, “But you don’t understand, I’m the 'cool' mom. My kids and I have an 'open' relationship, they tell me everything.” Then I wonder, "Why are you coming to me for 'parenting' advice when all you want is to be your child’s 'friend?'" Let me put it this way: They have enough friends they can pal around with, why don’t you grow a backbone and be the parent they wished they had? Friends come and go and have enough influence on their lives, so why not try to hold them accountable and add a little stability by setting some boundaries? Who’s ruling the roost, anyway? If you don’t provide boundaries, children will find them within the confines of the law. When you are a hands-off parent, you only become an accomplice, contributing to and condoning their bad behavior. Are you keeping secrets from the other parents because you don’t want to “rat” on your kid’s friends? Do you understand that when you have information –– when a child is in a dangerous situation and you do nothing –– it is the greater wrong? One time I had to call a parent and tell them their son was talking to my daughter inappropriately on the phone. I asked the mother if she would like to know what he said, because I wrote it down. Click. What drives me crazy is parents who don’t want to look through their kid's stuff; they think they are violating their kid’s right to privacy. As far as I am concerned, if they live in our house, eat the food we provide, and drive our cars, then they don’t have a right to privacy until they can supply all their needs. You think hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, how about a suspicious mother? One thing my teenagers knew was what they couldn’t do in our home. So many parents think that if they provide alcohol, kids will drink in the house and be safe. Are you going to provide them with drugs so they don’t have to go to the crack house and buy drugs in unsafe parts of town? While you’re at it, turn the spare bedroom into a meth lab so you can provide them with drugs in a crime-free environment. If those things entered my home –– and with three teenagers, most did –– then the consequences were severe. I remember my daughter telling me that the gardener kept leaving beer cans in the back yard. I believed her –– once. How about when the teenager wants to have sex? Are the parents going to provide the boyfriend/girlfriend a place with all the accouterments to have “safe sex?” Why not take them both down to the health department and get them an STD screening so they can be really safe? Give me a break. Are you beginning to see the failed logic in all these arguments? Being your kid’s parent is the toughest, most grueling, gut-wrenching task you will ever take on. We are fighting other parents, our kids, society, the media, and sometimes our spouses. No wonder parents give up and give in. To be an effective parent takes consistency, loving correction, and patience that would have tried Job. Ultimately, you want to be contributing to the beneficial welfare of your child, not to the delinquency of your minor or anyone else’s, for that matter. Agree with Connie? Disagree? E-mail her at cmoustakis@bak.rr.com.

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