The Bakersfield Voice

Have you ever been asked why you live in Bakersfield by someone who drove through town on I-5? To “civilized” world, even the name Bakersfield is strong enough to strike fear into the most courageous of men. It is a place at the very edges of the Earth; a land of torment and suffering. To save you from your own folly, these well meaning outlanders will attempt to convince you to return to the lush paradise that comprises the County of Orange and San Jose. When confronted with this situation, here are some helpful definitions that you can respond with of what Bakersfield truly is.

1. Only Bakersfield would be described by the Los Angeles Times as “a town without a bed-and-breakfast.”
2. When it rains, everyone will actually stop work and watch it rain. They will continue watching until it stops – which usually happens several minutes later.
3. Where else in high school football can you watch North play South at West?
4. Only in Bakersfield would you find a first-rate private restaurant named the “Petroleum Club.”
5. Where soft people are tolerated and hard work is respected.
6. Only in Bakersfield would you find active producing oil wells in the parking lots of upscale commercial centers and underground pipelines running through expensive residential subdivisions.
7. Only in Bakersfield can the mayor request that the river be turned on or off for certain days of the year.
8. Where else can you find two major 6-lane roads running parallel, two miles apart, called Panama Road and Panama Lane?
9. Only in Bakersfield would a bank robber stand a better chance of being shot by a bank patron than escaping with the money.
10. Bakersfield is the concealed weapons permit capital of the state, with more than 40,000% more permits issued than San Francisco. (San Francisco has 10 while Bakersfield has 4,077)
11. Only someone from Bakersfield would be proud of the previous statement.
12. We have a professional minor league hockey team, of which most every member is Canadian. I don’t know why this amuses me, but one of their shirts has crossed hockey sticks with oil derricks in the background. Could you see anyone in Canada wearing that?
13. 33,000 of California’s 43,000 oil-producing wells are located in Kern County – giving Bakersfield more wells than the entire Middle East. Once again, only someone in Bakersfield would be proud of that.
14. Only someone from Bakersfield would take the slogan “We’re as Bakersfield as it Gets” as a good thing.
15. Where else can a funeral home have a float in the Veteran’s Day Parade?
16. Where everything from Camp Pendleton to Santa Barbara is collectively called “LA”.
17. Where you can find areas of town called “Oil Center”, “Oil City”, “Oildale”, “Rosedale”, “Greenacres”, and “Pumpkin Center”.
18. A town where it is not uncommon to see farm equipment driving down major roads in the center of town.
19. Where a farm worker can become a millionaire and a millionaire will dress like a farm worker.