The Southwest Voice

All > Columnists > Parenting
Parenting with Connie: That thing called love
Topics:
Anonymous user Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:12:33 PDT
Viewed 423 times
0 responses 0 comments What a confusing word: Love. We use it so casually — “I love avocados” or “I love those shoes.”
But I frequently get asked, “How do I know if it’s real?”
To answer, we first must define “like,” “lust,” and “love” in order to differentiate between them. I use these words in class to help students understand their differences, and to prevent them from being confused by emotional or physical feelings.
“Like” is defined as having something in common with a person. You enjoy their company and converse with them. There is no romantic interest. You are very comfortable with that person. Friendships consist of talking, listening, and spending time together as trust develops.
When a junior high student talks about love, I never tell him or her that it’s puppy love, but I suggest it’s a whole lot of like. Like is up in the brain and nothing below the waist.
“Lust” is a strong, physical desire that can be very confusing.  A boy might think he loves a girl because his body feels physical desire. He even tells her he loves her, but if it’s just a physical feeling, then it’s lust.
The girl, on the other hand, wants to be loved emotionally, so she might give in to intercourse in order to feel loved. Does she ever find the love she’s looking for in a teenage boy?
Girls in class have said that if you like him, you’ll let him. One of the saddest things I heard a girl say to me was that girls have sex with their boyfriends because they might love them afterward.
 When I ask students why teenage boys have sex, they always reply, “Because it feels good.” 
When I ask why teenage girls have sex, they tell me, “For love.”
No one in any class has ever told me a teenage boy has sex because he loves the girl. Neither a class of boys or of girls. Not ever!
Although lust is temporary and fleeting, the physical attraction of the moment can be very powerful.
I think this is why teenagers confuse lust with love. Lust is self-satisfying, self-gratifying and he or she really doesn’t care about the other person. Lust does not equal love.
I always ask young adults, “Do you want to make that life decision based on hubba-hubba feelings when your heart is twitter-pated, and bells and whistles are going off? Or do you want to make an informed decision about your future mate and make sure that what you feel is really love?”
So let’s talk about love — a long-term, lasting decision not based on physical feelings or infatuation. Love is a strong word, so how do you know it’s real? My brother Sam asked me that question when he was going to propose marriage.
I asked him, “Can you imagine your life without her?”
To which he replied, “How come you always answer a question with a question?”
One of the first things I tell students is that of course there is a physical attraction. But they have to observe that person for about two years. How does he or she behave? Do they lie, cheat or steal? How does he or she treat family members? I explain to them that love is not a feeling, that it becomes a choice over time because the twitter-pations subside and real, mature love blossoms.
 If someone says “I love you,” how do they show it? If you are dating, is your partner in the relationship respectful or does he or she ridicule you?
The realization of love culminates in the combination of all three: like, lust and love.  A couple has a friendship and there is a physical attraction, but the emotional feeling is sacrificial and selfless. 
I always tell my students, “You want someone to say, ‘I chose you, I will love you, honor you, and I would give my life for you.’”
I tell them I have that kind of love and it’s a really cool thing. Don’t miss out on that love thing by settling for a cheap counterfeit. It’s worth waiting for. 

Send to a Friend

Report a Violation