The Southwest Voice

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After three hours in a DMV guided lecture, I became convinced that the enemy was not the highway patrol. Rather, it was the system that gave us traffic “school.” No orange cones; no driving course; just a lecture that no one is bound to retain. My drowsy classmates were proof of that.

The teacher prefaced “lessons” by asking, “Did you know?”

“Did you know that the Bill of Rights guarantees you the right to free travel, but it never mentions cars? And the DMV is not bashful about reminding you: driving is a privilege, not a right.”

I wondered why this Franklin Graham look-alike dressed like a golf caddy. Where was the famous preacher’s suit? You see this with reluctant celebrity look-alikes. The Charles Manson double goes into scientific research while the Elton John twin works at the library and stays away from pianos. These people can become hermits while trying to avoid the unwanted spotlight.

“Did you know that in Bakersfield, it is still legal to drive a horse-drawn carriage on any road?” I imagined myself cracking a buggy whip in rush hour traffic. It wouldn’t be long before drivers would unite and strangle me with my own whip. People get angry at me just for being behind the wheel.

I learned that working in a state makes you an automatic resident, subject to all the state’s traffic laws.

It seems that with a DMV Guide, you could understand the subtleties of our world. Not sure why your date ditched you after a “relaxing” drive? Open up your DMV guide and learn that driving too slow is a traffic violation. There’s a strong likelihood that it’s a social sin as well. Want to know why it takes a full forty-five minutes to fly from San Francisco to Los Angeles and only five hours to reach your “nearby” hotel? Consult your DMV guide and learn about a city’s crucial need for one-way streets. I am convinced that the “rules of the road” exist solely to make life miserable.

But, there were other benefits for knowing traffic law. For example, you could become a road vigilante. With a straight face, the teacher said, “Why not turn in grandma for unsafe driving? I mean, if failing vision renders her unable to handle the road, you ought to exercise your right to make that anonymous phone call.” If she failed her vision test, the DMV would take away her license. I pictured a hunched-over grandmother hobbling home on the freeway. “Just eight more exits to go,” she’d say. “Sure, it’s windy and loud, but it’s the only way I know.” What a cruel world. 

The topic of safety failed to resurrect the dead class. “What do you do when you’re driving into an intersection and a pedestrian enters the crosswalk?” A few people shifted in their seats, but no one spoke up. “Come on, guys. Do you have the right of way?” When someone spoke a random yes, the teacher’s voice rose like a clarinet. “NooooOOO? Just think of the pedestrian with sunglasses, a seeing-eye dog, and a white cane with a red tip.” After an eternity of silence, he said, “Okay, what happens if you drive into a crosswalk on a yellow light and a blind person steps off the curb? You better believe that he has the right of way, because you’d have to be a blind track star to make it across in time.”

His message seemed clear: law is no substitute for making morally right choices. Avoid a ticket and you might kill someone, or take the ticket and save a life.

In California, I think many lives are saved in those precious seconds it takes the average driver to deliberate: “Do I really want to save that man’s life?”

I admired the teacher for not punishing our silence. He left penalties to the real world of the DMV, the courts, and my father.

But, when it came to our personal safety, he was most fervent. He shifted his ball cap and rubbed his temples. “If you cross the center divider to a let a screaming fire truck pass, you’re just begging to die. Common sense will save lives.”

But how many California traffic laws use common sense? Starting this year, you can be cited during the daytime for failing to turn on your headlights when activating your windshield wipers. Whose life is that saving?    

Some traffic signals actually invite disaster. At a four-way intersection near my house, the left turn light will often stay green for only five seconds. I have to floor my car in order to avoid getting my picture taken by a traffic spy camera. Any pedestrian caught in the far crosswalk is in danger. I am not against a society where everyone rode horses.