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Parenting with Connie: To date or not to date
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Anonymous user Thu Oct 26, 2006 15:41:17 PDT
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0 responses 0 comments Perhaps the first question should be, “What is a date?”
I define a date as a boy and a girl who share romantic interest going somewhere alone in a car. 
The second question is, “What is the purpose of dating for a 19-year-old male?”
Ask a father at a parent meeting and he will candidly respond “sex.” 
Ask a mother the purpose of dating for a 19-year-old female and she will respond “to find a husband.” 
So already there is a huge difference in expectations.
My next question would be, “Why in the world would we put two hormone-driven teenagers alone in a car and send them off to get to know each other?” 
Dating can be an uncomfortable situation for any teenager. Even for chatterboxes. When they are alone in a car many will clam up.
He asks, “What do you want to do?” She responds, “I don't know, what do you want to do?” And they end up making out in the orchard because they can't figure out what to do. 
Sometimes parents have to take the pressure off of them by saying no to dating.
I recommend no one-on-one dating until around age 18. One of my students told me her older brother said she could date when she was as old as the number of hairs he had in his armpit.
When kids date, it should be someone their own age, maybe one year older or one year younger. That's it. Some of the boys in high school are 18 and19 during their senior year. Please tell them younger girls are off limits for obvious reasons.
Have boys meet the parents. Our rule was that prospective dates had to come to our house and break bread with us. We did not make this an easy feat. We prearranged many moments of silence to make the young man uncomfortable.  We asked questions.  For example, “What's the worst job you ever had?”
When he told us he never had a job and that the $40,000 truck he was driving was from his parents, we know he had nothing in common with our hard-working family.
One time a young man came to the door with a hat on. I asked him to remove his hat so I could look into his eyes. He made me nervous. I called my husband and told him the young man wore more jewelry than I did, hence he had more holes in his head.
Please young men, do not honk for your date! Big mama will meet you at your car door and tell you to take a hike. I did. One time I made a young man come to the door not knowing he was on crutches. At that house we had about 10 steps to the front door.
Please young ladies, dress appropriately. I know a mom who told her son's date to go home and finish getting dressed because the girl was dressed so scantily. Why put yourself and your date in a tempting situation? You are only setting yourself up to fail. 
Any date should have a planned agenda. Most kids get into uncomfortable situations because they get bored and they say there's nothing better to do. They should avoid alcohol and drugs, which inhibit their judgment. If plans change, they should call home and get approval before proceeding. He should always bring her home on time and in the same condition she left in.
Before kids date, sit them down and decide in advance if they should kiss or not. If you set a limit to the dating activity, then they will know where the line is. If the line is crossed, hopefully a warning light will go off and they will stop in their tracks and realize that they have crossed the line. Remember, they have to be alone to cross those lines. 
We have a friend who has four beautiful daughters. One time we asked our friend, “How do you let your girls leave the house?” 
He said, “It's simple, when the young man comes to the door, I take him outside and I say one thing to him.”
I really wanted to know what this could possibly be, so I asked him, “What?” 
He replied, “I tell him, ‘I just want you to know that whatever you do to my daughter, I'm going to do to you.’”
No worries there!

Questions? Comments? E-mail Connie at: cmoustakis@bak.rr.com

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