User Posts : The Southwest Voice

‘The Talk’ with Connie: Birth control pills, condoms and patches, oh my!

Since when did the basics of education change from reading, writing and arithmetic to distributing birth control prescriptions in middle schools? A school board in Portland, Maine voted to allow a health clinic to provide a full range of contraceptives to students aged 11 to 13. I am outraged.

Most of you know, I teach abstinence to junior high students. So, when I asked my students their opinion regarding this policy; they were shocked and stated that it was implied permission. Most of the students were really against the policy due to the fact they said “we’re too young.” In the 12 years I have taught junior high students, I can assess that they are not ready for the responsibility of neither birth control nor the complicated relationship that ensues when sex is involved.

By the way, I do teach a class on birth control; the very best birth control being self control. But when I show students how birth control is used, why it works or fails; they always come to the conclusion that abstinence is the best choice.

My favorite is a lesson on birth control pills. I always ask girls “who forgot their homework or lunch for any day that week?” I make them raise their hands, and then I ask, “Who forgot twice?” They have to raise both hands. Then I tell them if they were on the birth control pill they would have gotten pregnant, and if they raised both hands, they had twins. Seventy percent of junior high girls raise their hands, but I always tell them, “don’t feel bad because 80 to 90 percent of the boys will be pregnant tomorrow, and many of the boys will have triplets. “

Birth control isn’t called birth stop. It is very difficult to stop a totally natural process of one egg and 600 million sperm trying to reach that one egg. Birth control fails for adults, so logic tells me that it will fail twice as much for any teenager. Have you figured out yet, that if anything that can go wrong for a teenager, it usually does? If you are married and your birth control fails it is not as big as a deal if you are 15 and the birth control fails.

In spite of all the birth control available. We still have one teenage girl getting pregnant every 30 seconds — that's one million pregnant unmarried teenage girls each year. If the birth control clinic in King Middle School is trying to prevent pregnancies, then abstinence has a 100 percent success rate. I love those odds for your teenagers.

The medical complications of a birth control pill or patch are becoming very alarming to me. Hormone based birth control does work very well, but the side affects can be grave. The birth control patch is currently involved in many lawsuits due to blood clots and strokes caused by the high amount of estrogen released from the patch into the bloodstream.

I am very concerned about a young girl altering her hormone levels. What we do know about hormones is they can cause nausea, weight gain, and moodiness. A hormone based birth control literally tricks her body into thinking she is pregnant thus the lack of ovulation and the symptoms of pregnancy.

So you can see, birth control is a very complicated issue even for an adult. Making birth control available to junior high students on their campus opens up a gamut of complicated situations. What about the rampant spread of STD’s? Should the middle school start plans for a day care center like some high schools have? Who is responsible for the child when they need treatment for pregnancy or an STD? I think the domino effect will be tragic in the sense that a school board should never lose sight of its purpose — to educate and provide the tools for success. Not set them up for failure. Hey Portland, Maine School Board leave our kids alone.

Parenting with Connie: It's about time

When I finish teaching in May, I usually reflect upon the year. I assess the students' overall attitudes and responses. Usually, I am very discouraged at their level of knowledge and/or experience.

Last year, though, I have to tell you I was very encouraged. There seems to be a sense of innocence returning to our children.

I really don’t know why. I usually poll my students (stealthy) to see what they watching and spending time doing. MySpace, MTV and video games seem to dominate their time. But of late, many of the girls have told me they are watching a Canadian teenage soap called "Degrassi." I made note of it and watched it for content. Last year, though, the students were watching "High School Musical."

I am usually pretty wary of the things on TV that kids spend time watching. Pop culture affects the classroom in many ways. It has taken me years to logically walk teenagers through Bill Clinton’s faulty lingo. But in 2003, when Madonna/Britney kissed on MTV awards, I was nauseated. I cut out a picture of it and put it in my notebook. I knew I would have to deal with that sensationalized smut for a long time.

The most interesting thing happened, though. When I asked junior high boys what they thought of the “kiss,” most of them said “it rocked.” But a boy raised his hand and told me that when he saw two girls that he knew kiss at a party, he was disgusted. So my thought was maybe they were OK with the “kiss” because it didn’t affect them personally. But when it was in their back yard, so to speak, it wasn’t so cool. Interesting

So when "High School Musical" showed up, I think kids were hungry for a show that made them feel secure about being normal. It gives them a sense of belonging and they don’t have to be outlandish to fit in. They are modestly-dressed students in everyday high school situations. Not to mention smart girl gets the boy instead of spoiled girl who gets everything she wants. Good, clean, wholesome relationships –– who can object to that?

A Dad who has a 10-year-old talked with me about "Hannah Montana. He didn’t want her to identify with someone who might grow up and not be a good role model. I asked him what he was objecting to now. He said nothing, but was anxious about the wave of Hollywood girls who are not such good role models. Remember, Britney Spears used to have a squeaky clean image.

I can only encourage wholesome TV shows and music. The alternative is disturbing. Music and TV has dominated out lives for so long with violence, cursing, drugs and sexual images, encouraging our youth to behave like thugs. Enough is enough.

It’s about time Hollywood gets a clue. Remember "Napoleon Dynamite?" My children made me see that movie. It hurt my brain. But, I told parents to see it because they wouldn’t be able to understand their child for at least a year. It was a clean movie, albeit dumb. But, look at the impact at the box office and merchandise.

Anyway, the only way to get Hollywood to listen, it to impact their deep pockets. "High School Musical" is a phenomenon all levels. Thank goodness. PS: I opened The Bakersfield Californian and read the headlines of upcoming cable shows: “Sex, Sex, and more Sex.”

Come on cable TV, it’s about time you get clued in so you can cash in.

It's a fish tale

Since I grew up in Alaska, I am accustomed to the transformation that takes place in the men I love when on an island in the middle of the Kenai River.

Island/cabin testosterone brings out the nanook in them, they grow scruff and have a contest to see who can go the longest without showering or brushing their teeth. We have machete and ax throwing contests.

Macho is tolerated, but never has machismo reared its ugly head as when a female caught the biggest fish.

How interesting when a male member of the family caught a king salmon nobody debated the size or poundage of their particular catch. They would pronounce the weight and all would grunt in agreement. No discussion.

But when I caught the biggest fish, a fish that wouldn’t fit into the big white cooler, the great weight debate ensued.

First, let me preface this by telling you that I spent many mornings fishing in the rain and shivering cold; I was skunked. Fish were being caught to the right of me, fish caught to the left of me. I was thrilled for all of them.

Then on the morning of our anniversary, my husband whispered in my ear, “I’ll buy you diamond earrings if you catch a 60-pound king salmon.”

He chuckled to himself; he thought he was so funny. Guess who’s laughing now?

Determination has no boundaries upon the mere mention of diamonds. So the next morning at 3:30 a.m., we launched our boat; my son, my brother and me. Four hours later, I hooked a hog. Hooking a king salmon and bringing it to the boat to be netted is not an easy feat.

My fish took off up river, down river, right and left, under the boat, towards the shore, and then in the prop. The fishing guides with paying customers were not amused when they had to reel in their lines several times.

King salmon fishing is war; orchestrated chaos on the river with all the boats motoring up and drifting down causing a constant wake. I couldn’t sit because I had to keep my rod tip up, I couldn’t stand because the wake was constantly rocking the boat.

I was focused and listening intently to my brother’s instructions; “REEL.” I kept yelling “NET IT,” even though it was 20 yards away.

I fought my hog for about 15 minutes before she got caught in the prop. That is where my brother took over; we were not going to lose that fish. It had been 27 years since I caught a king salmon, and never from a boat. Legend has it you have to spend 100 hours on the Kenai River to catch a king. Many are hooked but few are netted.

“Well it’s every bit of 59 and ¾ pounds … but not quite 60 pounds.”

So the pound pondering began. My son said if the fish didn’t make my bum look small it couldn’t have been a 60 pounder. Are you getting the idea?

So after all the pictures were taken, I really don’t know how much it weighed, the best estimate is 62 pounds; the magic number.

I like not knowing because now it will always be…a fish tale to remember.

Parenting with Connie: Plugged in and tuned out

For Mother’s Day this year, my son bought me a small electronic contraption that I plug into my ears when I jog.

I was very appreciative since it was so thoughtful of him. This is the first time in his life he has real money so I asked for something frou-frou for Mother’s Day. I got an iPod. My son thinks I need to be welcomed to the 21^stcentury in style. I reminded him I grew up with rotary phones.

Anyway, I have noticed this phenomenon regarding our youth today: They are always plugged in and tuned out to the real world. One time my husband and I were in a very nice restaurant and noticed a child who wouldn’t take the earphones out of his ears to order his meal. I thought this rather odd because most kids are very particular about what they eat. He protested vehemently because he was trying to get to the next level of his video game. His parents were making sure he didn’t distract others around him so he was plugged in to his whatchamacallit. He was so entranced in the game that he forgot to exist in real life.

Last year I rode the train to San Francisco –– a luxury I relish. Hours of hands free reading and writing. What I noticed was the youth were plugged into their various assortments of thingamajigs. My generation of people was reading voraciously while the young ones were tuned out to the people they were with. No conversations ensued.

If you do try to talk to someone plugged into their electronic device, you have to shout at them. It is very frustrating. Also, I have been on planes or trains and the kid has his gadget up so loud that everyone can hear it and you have to shout or use sign language to ask them to turn it down.

Now they have cars with DVD players attached. How can the family find time to interact with all the devices meant to occupy your child’s time and to discipline them by entertaining them constantly? No wonder when they finally get to school they are bored. They are so used to electronic stimuli that the teacher pales in comparison. Whatever happened to road sign games and "I Spy" games played in the car? Or better yet, bad singing?! Some of the best times/laughs we have had are in the car on the way to somewhere.

Let’s fact it, electronic equipment keeps on giving and giving and requires nothing in return. We are programming our kids to be instantly and constantly entertained. I will tell you, I can pick out the readers in class. I just ask a simple vocabulary word and the readers will know it. For example, a reader will know what monogamy is, but someone else might think monogamy is a type of wood.

We are raising socially inept children who don’t know how to interact except through text messaging, IM, email, cell phones and posting garbage on MySpace. Whatever happened to just plain conversation, face to face? Teenagers are interacting with each other but need to be rewired to interact with adults. A friend told me her daughter and boyfriend text-message in the back seat of the car so the parents can’t “hear” their conversation. Looking someone in the eye, shaking their hand and carrying on a conversation –– that is intelligent, but seems to be an outdated forum.

I guess I hit the wall when we went to another restaurant and they had the portable DVD player out for the toddler at the dinner table. Let’s stop and rethink this! Let’s unplug, unload, turn off, and take all the wires and gizmos out of the house –– at least for dinner. Sit down to dinner with the TV off and look your loved ones in the eye and converse. There’s your life-line to your family!

The ever-reaching arm of the molester

Molestation doesn’t just happen to someone’s body, it also assaults the mind. Molesters are predators that damage young people’s minds and bodies several ways. One of the questions always asked to students reporting molestation is “did that adult know what they were doing was wrong?” The answer is sadly always yes. This always takes the blame off of the child who has been wronged.

Molestation is a confusing issue for a child. First of all does a child really know what is happening to them? Once they realize what has happened, years have transpired and hence the confusion continues. At the time, the brain is screaming, this is wrong, this is sick, but the body might react differently. They body doesn’t understand that is not a welcome touch and the body might react in a pleasurable way. Then, the wires of the brain and body get crossed because the brain is fighting with the body and hence the confusion. He/she blames himself and thinks it is their fault and really just pushes everything down into his/her soul and doesn’t deal with it.

This is typical behavior; children do not tell because they do not really understand what is happening to them. Usually they are molested by someone they know, love and/or trust. The molesters are in positions of power over them, whether parental, clerical or in cases of coaches or teachers. All molesters abuse their authority over children and hurt them in sexual ways.

Molestation usually doesn’t happen in an instant. The molester forms a relationship with that child and slowly breaks down their defenses, a trust if formed. Pornography or subtle touching is introduced so when the molester is ready to pounce, the child is not shocked because they have been groomed for this moment. The “secret” relationship is created and the molester usually threatens the child with hurting his/her family members to avoid exposure. He/she may not understand what molestation is; but a child vividly understands when someone threatens to hurt his/her family member!

The child is torn/stuck in a sick cycle and doesn’t know how to get out of it. My experience is that they do not tell. Some days it just comes up like bile and the person keeps pushing it down until one day it just erupts and they have to deal with it because their marriage is failing or something catastrophic has happened in their life. In class, it is very obvious when a child remembers an event, he/she will run out of the class crying or just sit there and break down emotionally.

Let’s face facts, young men are usually molested by older men. What kind of mental torture is that for a boy? Not only is he dealing with the molestation but also the fact that now he thinks he is a homosexual because some perverted man has touched his body parts. Let’s never forget these men are usually trusted individuals in his life. When someone abuses their power/authority and hurts a child sexually, that is evil behavior.

When a woman molests a young boy, we tend to think that he enjoyed it. I think not. A woman should be prosecuted as harshly as a male molester/rapist. Young boys are victims and the molester makes them feel mentally small and torture their minds with promises of love, etc.

Young girls report molestations and rapes by family members and are not believed. She has to go through drastic measures to be heard. Sometimes, molesters are people in the community who are very well respected. He’s such a great guy, nobody would believe her, and sometimes it is her Mom’s new husband/boyfriend. She also is victimized over and over. I challenge you to give them an ear.

A few years ago, I was on a jury selection panel for a child molestation case. When the attorney questioned me regarding my occupation, I stated I was on the front lines, I had to report cases of molestation several times during the school year. The defense attorney tried to get me excused based on the fact that he thought I was prejudiced/biased against his client. He didn’t want to use an exemption. He asked me if I was prejudiced against his client, I stated no but I was biased against that type of behavior. Hence, I was not selected for the jury. He has to use an exemption, I was relieved.

(Information on signs of sexual abuse www.way2hope.org)

Parenting with Connie:

True story: I asked a group of junior highers what they thought the words “safe sex” meant.

A junior high boy raised his hand and said, “Lock the car door.”

As I have said many times, I couldn't make this stuff up. I do not believe there is safe sex for any teenager in any form whatsoever. That is why I teach abstinence and believe in it. That way the odds are in the teenager's favor 100 percent.

Junior high boys always ask me, “How can we have sex with a girl and have nothing happen?”

I thought about that and likened it to a video game. I tell them you can’t download a code and punch it into the video game and bypass all the levels. Sex is a multi-dimensional, complicated issue. There is no way to have sex with someone and have nothing happen. There are physical and emotional consequences.

Let’s look at the emotional issues. A bond is formed; the girl might give her heart, mind, body and love to that person and end up feeling lonely, confused, depressed and degraded. Maybe she'll put a wall around her heart and never really deal with her loss of virginity. She may become hardened and use sex as a tool of power.

The girl needs to grieve her loss. Society lies to her and tells her that sex is everything, but it's nothing if you go from guy to guy. Society doesn’t equip her for emotions that range from heartbroken, depressed –– and sometimes suicidal. She may turn to drugs and alcohol to drown out her pain.

The teenage male, on the other hand, is encouraged to have sex to become a man. He's told that in order to be a man you have to be a pimp daddy and get all the girls –– put notches in his belt. He buys into this scenario, and then realizes that sex doesn’t make you a man.What they show on music videos isn’t real –– just titillating.

He then blames his bad behavior on the girl.

"Well you know it’s her fault –– she’s a whore."

He doesn’t really ever learn to have a healthy relationship with a girl because he has been programmed to be only physical with her. He then disrespects her and himself, too.

Sometimes I tell my male students that becoming a man is sometimes determined by the things you say no to.

The physical consequences of sex are more than 40 STDs, plus Hepatitis C and HIV/AIDS, which are transmitted through blood and sexual fluids. When I grew up there were only two STDs –– syphilis and gonorrhea –– and we could cure them with antibiotics. Despite that fact we are at a 40-year high of these infections in Kern County.

Chlamydia is a bacterial STD that is easily detected with a simple urine test and cured by an antibiotic. The problem is that chlamydia rarely manifests itself in noticeable symptoms and will fester for years in a female's reproductive organs. Then when she is 25 and trying to get pregnant she has fertility problems because the scarring from the chlamydia has closed up her fallopian tubes. If a young girl has one exposure to chlamydia she has a 25 percent chance of becoming sterile.

Many STDs are viruses and have no cure. There is a new vaccine for women to prevent human papilloma virus (HPV), but there are over 60 kinds of genital warts and the vaccine doesn’t prevent them all.

What most people don’t know is that some of the STDs can be transferred by skin-to-skin contact. Genital areas touching together can transfer a STD from one person to another. Even herpes is contagious eight hours before a blister is present.

So, my case for abstinence. If a teenager has sex at a young age, the more sexual partners they will have before they marry. If he/she has 10 sexual partners, they are exposed to 1,000 people in a sexual way; double that number to 20 and the number rises to 1,000,000 people they are sexually exposed to.

I always tell parents that they're not going to be there when their children make the decision to have sex, so they must be equipped with decision-making skills.

When considering sexual activity, I ask my students to think, "What do you gain versus what you lose?"

A sobering thought.

Talk to them about waiting. If they haven’t decided to wait, they probably won’t.

Parenting with Connie: Puberty –– a boy's version

A boy’s puberty involves hormones and he will have just as many changes and upheavals as a girl, but his are perhaps a little more physical than emotional.

Hormones: Testosterone is the male sex hormone that kicks in and causes many physical changes. He will have testosterone surges that can be manifested in angry outbursts, acne or just plain physical aggression. He needs to go outside and get some of that energy out. Channel that physical aggression into something like yard work or shooting basketball hoops. Get him out of the house, away from the TV and video games.

Muscles: He will have 30 percent more muscle mass and will put on muscles more quickly than most females. This was all predetermined while developing in the uterus. So when we discuss steroids use, my first question is, "What steroids do to a young boy’s body/mind? His body produces ample amount of testosterone. When he takes steroids, the brain signals that a predetermined level of testosterone has been met and shuts off production of natural testosterone. Testosterone is produced in the testicles, and hence they are not being used for their natural purpose, which can eventually cause testicular atrophy (shrinking of the testicles).

I ask my students to name an old man who took steroids. They usually reply, Arnold Schwarzenegger. I simply remind them that Arnold (not an old man) had heart valve replacement a few years ago. The heart is a muscle and steroids can enlarge and damage hearts. It is pretty much a domino effect with steroids and the resulting damage.

There is also emotional damage from steroid use. A young man will have a personality change, and possibly become depressed and suicidal. The term "roid-rage" refers to major mood disturbances, whether mania, depression or overt aggression.

Voice: His vocal cords get bigger, and he develops an Adam’s apple. A boy told me recently that he got the nerve up to go and talk to a girl but when he opened his mouth it sounded like he was inhaling helium. I always tell boys that their mother loves it when their voice cracks/squeaks because it reminds us that somewhere in there is still a little boy.

Hair: He might look in the mirror and think, "I’m turning into a Chia pet, hair growing everywhere." Sometimes he gets that little shadow on his lip and thinks "Dude, I'm a man, I have a mustache." No honey, that’s peach fuzz. When he starts shaving, he will have to shave every day. Recently, I had a student in the eighth-grade who I nicknamed "caveman" because he looked like a full-grown man. But we have to remember that even if he looks older, he’s still growing into himself.

Risk-taking: We have a deck that overlooks our pool. Every single male of every age looks at that deck and says the same thing: "When you’re not looking I’m going to jump into the pool." And they do. I remember my brothers jumping off the roof into the snow bank. Risk-taking usually just results in higher car insurance rates. But I tell boys to file those crazy ideas away in their crazy idea file, because someone can get hurt.

Body odor: This is not a myth. A P.E. teacher I work with goes out and buys air fresheners every time I teach boys in his class. If it is after lunch, I have to have the “please wear deodorant" talk. Last year I taught 80 boys in the boys P.E. changing room and was scarred for life. There seemed to be a green haze emanating from their armpits and shoes. (Not to mention the other strange odors.) They need to make themselves pleasant so people will want to be around them. This means shower and deodorize. And a little cologne goes a long way. (Did I mention brush your teeth?)

Height: If you look at any junior high school, you will find 11- to 15-year-olds. This age range makes a huge difference in a young man. They hit their growth spurts at different times and will grow until they are around 20. When they hit their growth spurts, arms, legs, feet, noses and ears seem like they are the only thing growing.

A boy told me recently his mom was 4’9” and he was about 5’10” in the seventh grade. The first thing I told him was to always respect his momma no matter how little she was.

Feelings: His feelings will vacillate during the period of adolescence. He might feel cocky one day and the next day feel uncomfortable in his own skin. He will go through a period of time when he naturally disrespects women. You need to teach your son and prepare him for these feelings.

His sexual feelings/ desire will intensify. I had a boy in class one time that said he wanted to take a pill and make it go away. I said, “No you don’t.” He was so uncomfortable with all the new feelings. If he has insecure feelings about the physical/emotional changes, you should prepare him for what will happen to him so he will understand and not be frightened.

Surviving: I know there is pressure on boys to be the best, get all the girls, and talk dirty. But he needs your help to guide him through this process gracefully.

Parenting with Connie: Puberty –– a girls' version

Puberty could possibly be the most tumultuous time of a girl’s life. There are so many changes, both emotional and physical, not to mention all the social drama in junior high and high school.

Sit down with your daughter and talk about what to expect in those years and prepare them for some of the changes.

Hormones: A prepubescent girl will cycle hormonally a year before she starts her period. I always tell girls hormone cycles are not excuses to pound your little brother’s face into the pavement, but hormones are things we have to deal with. It is a fact of life. Remember we have four hormones crashing and burning during a 28-day cycle, and I can usually pinpoint one or two days of crankiness for myself. (My kids would argue the number of days would be more like 25!) I suggest girls track their cycles so they know when those days are approaching and can be prepared.

Body image: When I ask junior high boys why a girls' hips physiologically grow wide, I usually get the “she ate too many cheeseburgers” answer. But nothing prepared me for the boy who said her hips grow wide so she could push the cart at Wal-Mart! That, my friends, is a junior high boy brain. Her hip bones/pelvis widens for child-rearing years.

I talk with girls about body image. Estrogen puts fat deposits in all the right places. Her body is supposed to be soft and curvy. Sometimes she looks down at her chest and says, “Grow little friends, grow.” Sometimes she says, “Please stop growing.” Girls are physically maturing earlier and starting their menstrual cycles in elementary school.

Accept her physical uniqueness, overlook her obvious oddities and please treat her like a lady. Tell your daughter she is lovely, beautifully made and wonderfully woven to grow up and be a strong, vibrant woman.

Emotions: Many of you have had days when you looked at your child sideways and they cried. You asked them why they were crying and they said, "I don’t know.” Emotions are exaggerated during puberty. Junior high girls are still trying to deal with all the changes, and sometimes any little thing can set them off.

One of the things about girls this age, they start to pull away from their mom emotionally. I always tell girls to fight this. They are going to need their parent so much in the next five to six years. So many things are happening socially and physically that are out of their control.

Does this sound familiar? Take care of me, buy me everything, but don’t tell me what to do and let me do what I want. Well, that is a typical teenager. What do I tell my students?

First of all, I ask them, “What are parents ultimately trying to do?”

"Protect you," they reply!

So why do you fight them when they are trying to protect you?

Secondly, if a girl gets in trouble, who picks up the pieces of her life? Then I tell girls that parents have the right to speak to you about these things because they are the ones who are going to help you in the next five to six years get through these tough times.

One of the things I always mention is jealousy. Girls think that there is such a thing as perfection. They look at other girls and think, "If I only had straight hair," etc. I tell girls that if you are a jealous person, there will always be someone you will be jealous of. We discuss the qualities of a jealous person: they are critical, negative and they always draw attention to themselves. If girls really learn to like themselves, then other people will want to be around them. No one wants to be around a critical, negative person –– they usually pick on other people and talk about people behind their backs.

Social scene: Peer pressure is a real entity. Girls tell me that there is pressure to dress a certain way, perhaps name brand labels. There is pressure to pair off and have a boyfriend, to do sexual things with their boyfriends, and they have to deal with boyfriends who threaten to break up with them when they don’t. There is social pressure to join cliques, create cliques or pressure to be so different from anybody else that you are your own clique.

Be prepared for many friend changes. The way the high school boundaries are changing, and the fickle nature of some friendships, they will change friends a few times before high school ends. Please explain to them that this is a natural separation or a difference of opinions/morals and that if they have one really good friend that they are probably better off than having multiple friends. It gets so complicated.

How to cope:

Listen to her and respect her opinions/feelings. They may sound silly and trivial to you, but trust me, they are very real to her. If your child doesn’t speak to you, try to draw them out. Get them out of the house and away from the TV; it takes a lot for some teenagers to open up. Your daughter may not trust you because you tell all your relatives that she got her first bra. She is sometimes embarrassed by all these changes. Reassure her that she can trust you.

Parenting with Connie: Arrest me now

I spanked my children, and often.
I cannot believe that a legislator in California wants to make spanking a child under 3 years old a misdemeanor punishable by one year in jail.
We currently have child abuse laws that prohibit hitting with closed fists and spanking your child so as to produce welts or black and blue marks. Discipline is a force needed to mold and shape a child’s will, but not to break their spirit.
Corporal punishment should be administered under a controlled circumstance to keep a child from danger, and to discipline when a child is defiant, disobedient, disrespectful, and dishonest.
First of all, shouldn’t we as parents have the right to discipline our children and ultimately protect them?
If my 2-year-old niece is running into the street, I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe. If she repeatedly runs into the street, I will give her a swat and explain to her why I swatted her. Therefore, she understands if she runs into the street again, she will get a swat. I am ultimately keeping her safe. She is a defiant child and her ability to reason is limited and at times nonexistent.
Defiance is a willful choice to disobey.
Sometimes a child is trying to get a reaction and other times just testing the limits around them. We all know how the story goes: you tell your child not to touch that hot item and they touch it anyway. That is a lesson all children learn and seldom forget.
Disrespect can be defined as not recognizing authority.
One time I got a call from the junior high school. My child had flipped off the lunch lady. I was mortified, if only because I teach thousands of other kids not to do that particular vulgarity. I drove to the school, picked up my child, and made her apologize to the lunch lady and the principal. Since she was suspended for the rest of the day, I told her that her hands would be used for good. I made her clean the entire house top to bottom. The lunch lady and I still laugh about it.
Disobedience can also manifest itself in dishonesty, for example lying, cheating, and stealing.
One time my toddler wanted a toy from the grocery store. I said no. When bedtime came, I noticed that particular toy in my child’s bed. I scooped her up in her fuzzy pink pajamas and drove her back to the store. I made her give the toy back and apologize to the store manager for taking something that didn’t belong to her. I can still see my tiny little girl in her pajamas with mouse ears and tail apologizing and crying her eyes out.
I didn’t need to spank her that time.
When we spanked, we used a wooden spoon. We had read that using a wooden spoon was effective in that they wouldn’t be afraid of us but the object used for the spanking.
We didn’t make them pull their pants down because that would be humiliating. We spanked our children in a controlled manner and the punishment was proportionate to the offense. We stopped spanking near the junior high years because taking away privileges was far more effective.
Once, in church, my pastor was speaking on discipline. He said to never slap your kids in the face. My children elbowed me because I had done that a few times. I listened to my pastor who said that face slapping steals dignity. I vowed never to slap anyone in the face again. I sat there and remembered how it felt as a child and I didn’t want to leave that legacy with my children.
When disciplining your children, we are not to shame or humiliate them. Years ago, in class, I had a boy who always wore his hood up. I would ask him to take his hood down. When he took his hood down, his hair had been shaved like one of the three stooges. He was being punished for failing grades. I let him wear his hood up. He was humiliated enough on his own turf. This can provoke a child to anger, and we are not to do that either.
What I like about spanking is that it is instant.
Child disobeys, child gets punished, child and parent reconcile. Moment over and lesson learned. Then the parent is in control, and the child feels secure in the boundaries that have been set. The child knows what he or she can get away with, but will always push the boundaries. The child knows what will happen when he or she pushes the boundary.
One time my husband and I were coming back from an anniversary trip and we stopped at the outlet mall. We bought about a dozen very large wooden spoons. When we carried the wooden spoons into the house, the kids scattered because they thought they were in trouble. Looking back, maybe they felt guilty and I should have spanked them. Too late now!