http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832 "Hey, Dad" is the name of my new advice column that will tackle the issues and problems parents and kids face each day. You'll find advice that's sometimes funny, sometimes poignant, always to the point and straight from the heart, but from a man's point of view. After 55 years, I have been around the block more than a few times.  I have seen a lot of things, done a lot of things, or at least have some knowledge about a lot of things.  I have two grown sons, both graduated college.  The oldest one is a professional musician and the youngest one is in graduate school to become an Optometrist.  I have been married almost 31 years to the same wonderful woman.  I have been a Bakersfield resident off and on since 1967 so I know this town very well.  I spent 4 years in the Air Force and graduated from Cal State Long Beach at the age of 32. Write me here on my blog with questions or problems you're having with your child, parent, spouse or pet rat and I'll give them my full attention.  Twice a month, I'll select some choice letters to run in our Northwest and Southwest Voice publications as space allows.  Life isn't easy, nobody ever said it would be, but there's no need to go it alone. "Hey, Dad" is the name of my new advice column that will tackle the issues and problems parents and kids face each day. You'll find advice that's sometimes funny, sometimes poignant, always to the point and straight from the heart, but from a man's point of view. After 55 years, I have been around the block more than a few times.  I have seen a lot of things, done a lot of things, or at least have some knowledge about a lot of things.  I have two grown sons, both graduated college.  The oldest one is a professional musician and the youngest one is in graduate school to become an Optometrist.  I have been married almost 31 years to the same wonderful woman.  I have been a Bakersfield resident off and on since 1967 so I know this town very well.  I spent 4 years in the Air Force and graduated from Cal State Long Beach at the age of 32. Write me here on my blog with questions or problems you're having with your child, parent, spouse or pet rat and I'll give them my full attention.  Twice a month, I'll select some choice letters to run in our Northwest and Southwest Voice publications as space allows.  Life isn't easy, nobody ever said it would be, but there's no need to go it alone. en-us Hey, Dad... I lost my dad two years ago, so it will be nice to have someone like you around.  :) ~Dana http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_224754 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_224754 Hey, Dad... I lost my dad two years ago, so it will be nice to have someone like you around.  :) ~Dana  Dear Dana and readers, Anytime you have a question or a problem that you want to discuss, just ask.  I am here for you and I will give you my full attention.  I check my blog daily so don't hesitate to write. Take care, Dad     "Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis. http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_224757 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_224757  Dear Dana and readers, Anytime you have a question or a problem that you want to discuss, just ask.  I am here for you and I will give you my full attention.  I check my blog daily so don't hesitate to write. Take care, Dad     "Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.  Dear Dad, I am a mother of three children (not toddlers). My husband is a good father but he doesn't always present the best example for our sons. I expect my sons to learn how to take care of the yard and take responsibility when they’ve made a mistake. My husband should be a Christian example, the father of our household, and other things. I am concerned that no matter what I try to teach them, our sons will grow up and mirror their dad, as boys seem to look to their father as their main example in life. I have tried talking to my husband about how our sons will mimic his actions (or lack of action), but he doesn't seem to get it. What can I do? Frustrated http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_227793 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_227793  Dear Dad, I am a mother of three children (not toddlers). My husband is a good father but he doesn't always present the best example for our sons. I expect my sons to learn how to take care of the yard and take responsibility when they’ve made a mistake. My husband should be a Christian example, the father of our household, and other things. I am concerned that no matter what I try to teach them, our sons will grow up and mirror their dad, as boys seem to look to their father as their main example in life. I have tried talking to my husband about how our sons will mimic his actions (or lack of action), but he doesn't seem to get it. What can I do? Frustrated Dear Frustrated, We live in a generation that places a high value on education and careers.  Men spend years preparing and training to improve our job skills, yet many men enter fatherhood with little or no training at all.  We have to learn as we go.  Your husband is probably doing the best he knows how.  In past generations, dads had the benefit of other male role models like their own fathers, uncles and friends of the family.  If it is possible, encourage your husband to talk with other men that will give him good advice and help him to be more involved in a positive way.  You can encourage him and praise him when he does the right things.  Men respond to positive motivation.  Don’t criticize him, but support him.  Thoughts of failure and inadequacy may cause him to give up, leave, become overbearing from trying too hard, or develop a passive attitude and fade into the background of your children’s lives.  Don’t wait for your husband to assume his leadership role.  Get your husband’s support you if you have to be the temporarily “authority” figure to your sons.  I would also suggest counseling from your pastor or a family counselor.  Your boys need both parents working together with common goals.  Don’t give up on your sons or your husband. Take care, Dad "Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_227796 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_227796 Dear Frustrated, We live in a generation that places a high value on education and careers.  Men spend years preparing and training to improve our job skills, yet many men enter fatherhood with little or no training at all.  We have to learn as we go.  Your husband is probably doing the best he knows how.  In past generations, dads had the benefit of other male role models like their own fathers, uncles and friends of the family.  If it is possible, encourage your husband to talk with other men that will give him good advice and help him to be more involved in a positive way.  You can encourage him and praise him when he does the right things.  Men respond to positive motivation.  Don’t criticize him, but support him.  Thoughts of failure and inadequacy may cause him to give up, leave, become overbearing from trying too hard, or develop a passive attitude and fade into the background of your children’s lives.  Don’t wait for your husband to assume his leadership role.  Get your husband’s support you if you have to be the temporarily “authority” figure to your sons.  I would also suggest counseling from your pastor or a family counselor.  Your boys need both parents working together with common goals.  Don’t give up on your sons or your husband. Take care, Dad "Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis Dear Readers, Since I didn’t receive any questions this week, I thought I would take this opportunity to discuss something with you that has been on my mind.  As parents, we have to be more involved in our children’s education.  We are too quick to blame the teacher or the school system for the poor grades our children are getting.  Ask yourself this question, what are YOU doing at home to help your child get the most out of his or her education?   Here are some suggestions: 1. After school, let your child play for an hour.  They need the break and they need the exercise. 2. Have them do their homework at the kitchen table.  This helps keep the child focused on their homework and helps you be available for questions. 3. Keep the TV, radio and other distractions off during homework time. 4. Once the homework is done, go over it with your child and make sure there are no errors and it is understood. 5. Schedule meetings with your child’s teacher or keep in contact via email.  Work together with the teacher.  If time permits, volunteer to help out in the classroom. 6. Praise and encourage your child to do the best they can in school.  Children love our support and admiration, and they will work hard to get it. 7. Dad’s, you get involved too.  You may be better in one subject than mom, and your involvement will show your child that you both care. 8. When in the car, pop in a book on tape instead of a DVD movie.  You can pause the tape to discuss the book and what is going on. http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_233246 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_233246 Dear Readers, Since I didn’t receive any questions this week, I thought I would take this opportunity to discuss something with you that has been on my mind.  As parents, we have to be more involved in our children’s education.  We are too quick to blame the teacher or the school system for the poor grades our children are getting.  Ask yourself this question, what are YOU doing at home to help your child get the most out of his or her education?   Here are some suggestions: 1. After school, let your child play for an hour.  They need the break and they need the exercise. 2. Have them do their homework at the kitchen table.  This helps keep the child focused on their homework and helps you be available for questions. 3. Keep the TV, radio and other distractions off during homework time. 4. Once the homework is done, go over it with your child and make sure there are no errors and it is understood. 5. Schedule meetings with your child’s teacher or keep in contact via email.  Work together with the teacher.  If time permits, volunteer to help out in the classroom. 6. Praise and encourage your child to do the best they can in school.  Children love our support and admiration, and they will work hard to get it. 7. Dad’s, you get involved too.  You may be better in one subject than mom, and your involvement will show your child that you both care. 8. When in the car, pop in a book on tape instead of a DVD movie.  You can pause the tape to discuss the book and what is going on. "Hi, I read your recent article and it hit home. I divorced my husband because of lack of respect, and just today, "I was told I would never get his respect." Of course, there's more to this story. My question is, are there any single or divorced parenting groups available in Bakersfield besides those affiliated with churches? Thank you, “Troubled Mom" http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_254614 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_254614 "Hi, I read your recent article and it hit home. I divorced my husband because of lack of respect, and just today, "I was told I would never get his respect." Of course, there's more to this story. My question is, are there any single or divorced parenting groups available in Bakersfield besides those affiliated with churches? Thank you, “Troubled Mom" Dear Troubled Mom, A good marriage has to be built upon respect for it to last. Respect must be earned and maintained. When someone makes a mistake, we have to allow that person the opportunity to rebuild that respect for the relationship to recover. It takes time and, if needed, some counseling. I spent several hours on the phone trying to find a parent support group for you and to my surprise, I could only find one. But one may be all it takes. Please contact the Asgard Counseling Center at 661-205-1522. Their address is in the phone book. You said you didn’t prefer a church group, but if the Asgard Counseling Center doesn’t work out for you, please reconsider a local church group. Your kids are worth exploring every option that you have. Good luck, Dad "Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.  http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_254616 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_254616 Dear Troubled Mom, A good marriage has to be built upon respect for it to last. Respect must be earned and maintained. When someone makes a mistake, we have to allow that person the opportunity to rebuild that respect for the relationship to recover. It takes time and, if needed, some counseling. I spent several hours on the phone trying to find a parent support group for you and to my surprise, I could only find one. But one may be all it takes. Please contact the Asgard Counseling Center at 661-205-1522. Their address is in the phone book. You said you didn’t prefer a church group, but if the Asgard Counseling Center doesn’t work out for you, please reconsider a local church group. Your kids are worth exploring every option that you have. Good luck, Dad "Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.  Hey Dad, My oldest son came home today wearing his pants halfway down his butt. Needless to say we got into a big argument about it. My son says that all the guys do it. I told him it looks tacky but he insists it makes him look cool. What would you suggest I do about it? Is this a battle worth fighting? Call me Confused. http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_256537 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_256537 Hey Dad, My oldest son came home today wearing his pants halfway down his butt. Needless to say we got into a big argument about it. My son says that all the guys do it. I told him it looks tacky but he insists it makes him look cool. What would you suggest I do about it? Is this a battle worth fighting? Call me Confused. Dear Confused, This is really going to date me, but when I was a teenager in the 60’s, I remember there was a big fuss about long hair on boys.  Every young man wanted long hair like the Beatles and other rock stars of the day.  But you know what, we all survived it.  What you described is called “sagging” and it is the current fashion fad.  Sagging got started in our prison system thanks to ill-fitting prison clothing.  Belts were not allowed because lifeless bodies were often found hanging from them.  It is unfortunate that young men choose to model themselves after prison inmates and “gansta” rap artists instead of famous athletes, or other upstanding role models. Some boys need to feel accepted by their peers and this is one way they can achieve it.  Perhaps if you discuss with your son how sagging got started, maybe he will change his attitude. Don’t go to war over it because eventually the pants will go up as he enters the work force or goes off to college.  Love your son, support him, and try to look past the sagging pants.  Your relationship with your son is more important than any debate about fashion. Take care, Dad “Hey, Dad” is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis   http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_256557 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_256557 Dear Confused, This is really going to date me, but when I was a teenager in the 60’s, I remember there was a big fuss about long hair on boys.  Every young man wanted long hair like the Beatles and other rock stars of the day.  But you know what, we all survived it.  What you described is called “sagging” and it is the current fashion fad.  Sagging got started in our prison system thanks to ill-fitting prison clothing.  Belts were not allowed because lifeless bodies were often found hanging from them.  It is unfortunate that young men choose to model themselves after prison inmates and “gansta” rap artists instead of famous athletes, or other upstanding role models. Some boys need to feel accepted by their peers and this is one way they can achieve it.  Perhaps if you discuss with your son how sagging got started, maybe he will change his attitude. Don’t go to war over it because eventually the pants will go up as he enters the work force or goes off to college.  Love your son, support him, and try to look past the sagging pants.  Your relationship with your son is more important than any debate about fashion. Take care, Dad “Hey, Dad” is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis   Hey, dad, I have to say I disagree a bit with your advice to "put up with the sagging pants" because it will go away when he enters the work force or college.  I think it is more realistic to explain to him how this fad got started and let him know that most people know that.  If he wants to appear as a sympathizer of gangs and/or inmates, he's doing the right thing.  If he wants to appear as a young person with ambition, individuality and high ethics, he will not conform to what "everyone else is doing" but will be his own man and certainly not one who mimics those of questionable lifestyles.  It really is his decision and he really needs to think about what he is saying by his dress, his behavior and his friends. I told my children when they gave me the "everyone else is doing it" excuse that "everyone else" would not be in their life 20 years from now but, God willing, I would be.  It worked with them and it is so true.  And I still am and they still remember it and they are in their 40s.  http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_259095 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_259095 Hey, dad, I have to say I disagree a bit with your advice to "put up with the sagging pants" because it will go away when he enters the work force or college.  I think it is more realistic to explain to him how this fad got started and let him know that most people know that.  If he wants to appear as a sympathizer of gangs and/or inmates, he's doing the right thing.  If he wants to appear as a young person with ambition, individuality and high ethics, he will not conform to what "everyone else is doing" but will be his own man and certainly not one who mimics those of questionable lifestyles.  It really is his decision and he really needs to think about what he is saying by his dress, his behavior and his friends. I told my children when they gave me the "everyone else is doing it" excuse that "everyone else" would not be in their life 20 years from now but, God willing, I would be.  It worked with them and it is so true.  And I still am and they still remember it and they are in their 40s.  Well said there, Creid.  Thank you so much for joining in the discussion.  Children, and even young adults, typically only see life one day at a time.  They don't understand, or think about how their actions today can impact them tomorrow.  But that is what young people have been doing since day one.  As parents and grandparents, we need to take an active role in their lives and try to help them understand the big picture.  Fortunately, time is on their side and most kids grow up to be great adults.    Thanks again, Dad “Hey, Dad” is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis   http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_259437 http://www.swvoice.com/home/Blog/HeyDad/24832/#c_259437 Well said there, Creid.  Thank you so much for joining in the discussion.  Children, and even young adults, typically only see life one day at a time.  They don't understand, or think about how their actions today can impact them tomorrow.  But that is what young people have been doing since day one.  As parents and grandparents, we need to take an active role in their lives and try to help them understand the big picture.  Fortunately, time is on their side and most kids grow up to be great adults.    Thanks again, Dad “Hey, Dad” is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis